Ganging

Up

on a

Guy

11.18.2009

Photo Credit: Jan Block

Second-hand heartaches can make you laugh and cry. And lose sleep. You've been listening to your dear friend night after night, week after week, month after month, and your boyfriend doesn't want to hear about her anymore. Her tales of despair and rejection seem so needless and self-sacrificing. She feels like a lost single even though she and Dirk have been a couple for a year and a half. Sure, in between his rude remarks, his passive aggressive put-downs, his lateness and his reinvention of time as we know it, he bought her jewelry and begged for forgiveness on more than one occasion. You even supported his position that one time his brother invited him to go camping without Keisha. When Keisha got upset you told her to give him space, even though he'd gone MIA for a week. But for the most part, she's had your ear and it's painfully clear that Dirk neglects her. As far as you can tell, there's no way your friend can fix her broken relationship.

Then one morning you get the phone call. You can hear the jubilation in her voice. It's music to your ears! She's left Dirk and she's already going on a date with a new guy. The two of you cheer and applaud and begin the ranting. You never liked Dirk from day one. You're more vocal than Keisha. In fact you're more vocal than you've ever been as you run down your top ten list of Dirk's most annoying traits. His obnoxious one-liners and his grating laugh were enough to make your blood boil after ten minutes in a room with him. And the way he treated Keisha. No one is more disgusted than you. You've been waiting for this day, you tell her. Dumping Dirk is the greatest gift she could have ever given herself.

Dirk and Keisha reunite the following week. To cement their newfound love and commitment they're going on a three-day trip out of town. He chose the bed and breakfast; she picked the location. They wanted to play spin-the-globe and really go all the way, but they've decided to start saving for a house. And he's finally ready for children. If all goes well they'll plan their wedding for the middle of next year.

Keisha is kind enough to deliver the news in person. More than anything, she probably wants to see your reaction. You hug her but your mouth is dry. Before you can begin to broach the "Are you sure?" conversation, she fills in the blank with an affirmation that both of them are committed to change. The best thing about their 72-hour breakup is that she's grown as well. She realizes that she's not perfect either and that Dirk puts up with a lot of her "insanity".

That last word literally knocks the lid off your volcano and you erupt like never before. It's downright scary. And as your face makes one hundred and one contortions, Keisha recoils. All she can think is, "What is your problem?"

Keisha and Dirk throw a party the following weekend and they don't invite you. You find out about it from your mutual friend who happens to be Keisha's other confidante. The friend schools you on how to handle grown-ups. No matter how tempting, you can never disrespect the semi-ex in question. Let the broken-hearted temporary-hater do all the name-calling. Cross bashing will only backfire when the make-up/break-up cycle begins. Your job as a friend is to listen and offer some semblance of reason. You're there as a base of support. Other than that you can't really decipher the situation because at the end of the day, you only know half of the puzzle (at best).

So, was your friend Keisha being hypocritical? Did she set you up for a horrific fall, baiting you with heartwrenching tales about lonely nights, low self-esteem and skin rashes? Not really. It's called crazy love and the best way to see a friend through it is to keep out of the crosshairs. NewsSip

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