The Girlfriend List
November 1, 2009
by Laurene Williams
Girlfriends feel like benched soccer players when they’re not tapped to be in the bridal party. And the friends who do make the cut and become your bridesmaids can’t all get top billing. When you head down the aisle, one of them is going to be last. It can be traumatic for everyone involved, so the least you can do is make sure they’re all wearing the same dress. Then line them up accordingly and ignore any tears.
1. Kimmia (your maid/matron of honor) — she’s the kind of friend who doesn’t care about the bridal party. She doesn’t even care about the wedding. She’s been divorced three times. And in the end, you both know that if your marriage blows up or if you’re second-guessing every decision you’ve ever made, Kimmia will still be there. She’s rock solid.
2. Adriane — she’s got a loud mouth and you love her for it. She’s the one yelling throughout the ceremony, including a shout-out during the vows, because she’s gotten a little too tipsy and she’s having a wardrobe malfunction. The life of the party, she’ll always leave the room before it gets too embarrassing. She’s an all-around scream.
3. Blake — she’s a monologuer who’s got an opinion on everything and it’s hard to get a word in edgewise. But in terms of giving advice, there’s nobody like her. By some strange miracle, she really has lived through every crappy scenario involving co-workers, friends, relatives, lovers and ex-bosses. She knows exactly what to do and whenever you take her advice, you’re all the better for it. She’s the oldest soul you know.
4. Cindy – she’s a daydreamer and a cheerleader, and she’s forever sixteen. Life starts today and it begins with a big dose of wishes. Anything is possible. If you’re having a meltdown about your life and your ridiculous plans, she shatters the windows and bangs down the doors and shouts, “Yes, you can!” Move over Obama. She’s an adrenaline rush.
5. Monetta – she’s a bleeding heart who cries during commercials. There is no drama too weak or
too miniscule for major talk time. She will milk meaningful and poetic reflections from a glance from a stranger. There is no such thing as being oversensitive or too emotional or hysterical. She’s never heard of PMS and she makes trivial junk matter. She’s the reason you don’t need People magazine.
6. Karly – she’s a ray of light and youth and energy. If ever there were a twinkle in someone’s eye, it’s in hers. A fitness Goddess who walks the talk, she treats her body like a temple. She believes everyone can age backwards like Benjamin Button if the mind is aligned and the spirit is disciplined. The body is thoughts, she says, and it will do as you so command. She’s the yoga in your day.
7. Risa – she’s a walking encyclopedia who is endlessly fascinating. Her breadth of knowledge spans continents and centuries. You’re thinking you missed a few school grades when she continues her in-depth analyses and her mind-bending arguments. Every region in your brain has to light up to keep up. You use more than five-letter words. The intellectual challenge is enormous. She’s your Hillary Clinton.
8. Sean – she’s always got an Italian lover. Or an Australian “friend” or an African “visitor”. Her middle name is “plane ticket” and she’s never short on photo albums. The journals she brings back home tell of dangers and foreign countries and secret getaways that make you want to roll up a tent and sling on a backpack. You don’t know where you want to fly to next. But she’ll figure it out. You’re just praying she never settles down or gets married or holds a job. She’s a free spirit for all time.
9. Alexis – she’s got five dogs, seven cats, three rabbits and a few birds. She’s too young to be an eccentric old lady. She’s just the sort of loner who’s living in a world with relatively few people. There’s a quality to her that’s tranquil and unaffected. And she’s definitely communicating on another level. She’ll know when and where the next tsunami will hit because her cats and dogs will tell her. She’s your bridge to the other side.
10. Idrika – she’s got an insane amount of money and she doesn’t get why people tell her her life is a cakewalk. This blind spot could have made her horribly unbearable and woefully unsympathetic but instead she’s just naive and generous. She buys you lots of gifts and keeps things shallow and fun. You get to protect her from all the scammers who want to rip her off. She’s your reason to be a big sister.
