Ten Red Flags That Tell You It's Over

November 4, 2009

It's easy to come up with a million and one excuses for bad behavior. Everyone has more than a few off days. Besides, he's working hard. And you were never in it for perfection. And you know that upholding some fairytale image of romance will only set you on the road to disaster. Open, forgiving and accepting to a fault, you question nothing but your own insecurities until, perhaps, the Indy 500 flag wavers jump into view. Their message is loud and clear: get a new car.

THE TEN RED FLAGS

1. He hacked your cell phone, AIM, email, Facebook — and maybe you gave him cause. But going stealth will only breed resentment in both of you and resentment plays out in a relationship like a two-year-old. Once you figure out that subterfuge is his main recourse for managing his suspicions about your heart, you have to question where he'll draw the line. More questions, more insecurities, less fun.

2. He continues to talk about his ex even though it bothers you — and even though you've asked him not to. He knows it's a bad habit but he can't help himself, which should tell you something. There may be something unresolved in his former relationship and he needs to figure it out. This doesn't have to mean he'll get back together with his ex, but it may mean he'll have a hard time being present with you. What he needs is time to heal. And if the healing occurs at your expense, it will breed plenty of resentment in you. (see above)

3. Your dinner for two was a threesome — The person on the other end of his cell phone came through in fits and starts. You might have even heard the tinny Verizon laughter. And if you couldn't hear the person on his cell phone, you could certainly hear your date. Whether you're married or dating, it boils down to quality time. If he's chewing his food while making eye contact with his BlackBerry, you might as well be a log in the fireplace.

4. He's late and it's your fault – It's a miracle that you manipulated the train schedule or the bus schedule or that you managed to misplace the keys to his car. Your mind-controlling powers are at an all-time high. But that's what happens every time he's late. Unable to take responsibility for his actions (or inactions) can have long-lasting consequences; namely, he'll blame everything on you. The chaos making has begun.

He Says

New York Times Op-ed

November 2, 2009

Cellphones, Texts and Lovers by David Brooks sip it

Rebuttal

November 3, 2009

David Brooks Gets Judgy on Relationships, Fears Text Messaging by Kay Steiger sip it

She Says

5. Drugs and alcohol are hard to beat – Any illness is difficult and addictive behavior is no different. You've shown your support, you've extended your sympathies, you've made your sacrifices. But if your entire relationship is going to revolve around your partner's drinking and drug use, be aware of your own health. The caretaker who tolerates abuse or simply allows his or her own health to deteriorate as a result of "being there" is in need of some perspective. You may be caught in a pattern you can't improve.

6. The put-downs sting – "You'll never find anyone else" may be the ultimate put-down but there's a variety of quips and "funny" one-liners that are designed to keep you feeling less than stellar. You know what they are. They range in tone, shape and size. They can be remarks about anything from your hair to your talents to your weight to your friends. Constructive criticism never comes with a smirk or a raised voice. So point out the put-downs and expect that they'll stop. If they don't it means you need to protect your self-worth and figure out why you keep listening.

7. Conversation over – If your conversations always end when he needs them to end, then you're on his clock. The growing trend that makes you available whenever he needs you but makes him vanish just when you have something to say is an indication of how he values his time and how he values yours.

8. Constant speed dial – What could you have possibly done between two o'clock in the afternoon and 2:10 p.m.? If he needs to check in with you every ten minutes or needs you around every hour on the hour, you may soon find yourself becoming his appendage. Space and balance are everything when you're trying to focus on your own goals or when you want to hang out with your own friends. If he doesn't want you to go to the bathroom alone, he might have control issues.

9. Work, work, work – There's nothing wrong with over-time, especially when it's a job requirement. But when the job requirement becomes indistinguishable from his workaholic tendencies, it's safe to say that he is his job. Repeat: He is his job. You may never be able to tell the two of them apart. Once that happens, the list you pinned on the fridge of all the things you plan to do together will look more like a stone tablet with deep carvings. His work will occupy each bullet point as you prepare to be a solo girlfriend or a single wife.

10. Loss of laughter – Life can be serious and life challenges can be harrowing. But without a reason to smile or laugh, your relationship won't be any fun. If he can't loosen up or if he's consumed by his broodiness or depression, he could be on a long slow journey back to the lighter side of life. Then again, it may not be him. It may be your dynamic. Bringing the giggles back into your relationship could be the game changer you both need, but if they're gone forever maybe it's time to move on.

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Photo credit: Liriet

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