December 16, 2009
Coley Janice Pierson confesses the impossible. She has never cried in front of her husband. They've been married for five years. They've lost two cats, dealt with her health scare and survived a car crash. Still, nothing has convinced her to let her guard down at the dinner table and let out a big sob. It's her way of trying to toughen up. It's also her way of coping with fear. She thinks that too much emotional oozing would drive her husband away.
Apparently, when she broke down on their first date (before they were married), he made it clear he sees no purpose in tears. According to him, they accomplish nothing. She's pretty sure his response was his way of letting her know he'd walk if she ever let it rip again (in front of him, that is).
So Coley has spent years crying in private places like her bedroom closet, the shower, a hallway, her car and at the movies. No matter how hard she tries the tough act, it doesn't work. She cries during romantic comedies when most of the audience is busy laughing. She cries during odd intervals when no one will hear her. She also spends considerable time wondering what it would be like to live in a home where crying is not only permissible but also normal. Since humans are the only living creatures who cry "emotional" tears, she figures tears have to be good for something.
The Miracle of Tears
William Frey, biochemist and author of The Miracle of Tears, a comprehensive, 15-year-long study conducted in 1985 on tears, their functionality and composition, concluded that tears relieve stress and release particular hormones, allowing us to feel better and to feel more balanced. According to Frey, the act of emotional crying, unlike crying over a sliced onion, purifies the body by expelling concentrations of actual toxins. It lowers the body's level of manganese, which is a mineral that influences mood, and releases both adrenocorticotrophic hormone, an indicator of stress, and the endorphin leucine-enkephalin, which manages pain. Still, with all of these cool benefits, the average man turns on the waterworks about 6-17 times a year, or once every other month, while the average woman does it an average of 3-5 times per month.
So if it's going to happen — for a women—during the course of a new relationship, when is the best time for her to reveal that she's human, that she's emotional and that she cries? If a guy caught her crying for a five-day streak that coincided with their first month of dating, he could easily think she's a nervous wreck. He'd wonder, "Is this going to happen every month?" It does, but most guys don't know about it because she's too busy holding back every drop. Like him, she's conditioned to hide "her weaker side". But instead of holding back the equivalent of his faucet leak, she's heading off a dam. The downside, according to William Frey, is that she's also unknowingly interfering with her body's efforts to heal, detox and destress.
Women Tick on Tears
Naturally women are more attuned to them. A slumbering mother will jump at the sounds of her baby's cries while the dad will keep snoring. If it's a car alarm, he's up and out, no problem. But getting him to respond to a crying spell can take some finessing.
For starters, women like Coley might as well stop faking it. She can respect herself and keep it real, letting the tears roll instead of keeping them on a timer or hiding them in a closet. But it will take a real man to handle those tears during a football game or when he's getting ready to doze or down a beer.
Then again, if he sides with the German Ophthalmology Society, which released its findings on tears in a detailed report on October 22, 2009, her crying spells may not even be cathartic.
Like Coley's husband, the German Society found no real purpose for tears and put the spotlight back on their mysterious nature. As for Frey's claims about them being detoxifying and stress relieving, the German Society hardly offered any validation.
What Now?
The big question becomes, do tears need a reason? Does she have to explain herself before she can go for it? Or should she really bottle it up until the next Masterpiece Theater Showcase on PBS?
As for him, is he really able to tell her why he feels compelled to slip into the gray zone with his six-pack or his computer? Can he really explain every one of his urges? Doubt it.
It's a good day to cry. Reasons aren't important because healthy relationships aren't necessarily healthy because of critical analysis and reasoning. If anything, a good relationship knows how to flow, involuntarily, tears and all. NewsSip
Photo Credit: Giustino
